Knights of Time and Rape
by Escherichia 'Blitzkrieg' Coli
Summary: A few friends and I wrote this as a boredom cure during a two-hour long performance by a marimba-playing autist. This story is not meant to make sense and it is suggested you do not read it. Though it is a crossover, it is a crossover of so many things that I just put it in 'Normal.' Rated M for language, primarily.
1. Chapter 1: Knights of Time and Rape

This is copied word for word from one of my many horribly disorganized notebooks I carry around with me daily. It is something I wrote uncaringly and informally while I was forced to watch a two-hour long performance by a marimba-playing autist.

I have written some parts, which will be identified by the title, 'EColi'. An accomplice of mine by the name of 'Cassandra' wrote some of the other excerpts (shit got out of control), identified as 'Ted'. Nothing has been corrected, even grammar or spelling (even accuracy) issues. I sincerely apologize for this, but I simply must dump this somewhere so that I can dispose of the notebook and clear up my belongings.

Please note that while this was originally focused around Amnesia: The Dark Descent, it gradually deteriorated into a mess of other things, and you should expect many canonical, historical, and sensical errors. None of the beliefs expressed in this are necessarily mine, though they certainly could be. Don't get offended, unless you're into that kind of thing.

* * *

ECOLI : It was 1841 - two years since some crazy shit had gone down in a castle in Prussia. Many things had changed.

1. Daniel was part kitty-cat.

2. Dubstep was invented.

3. Everybody was loving and happy.

The second event seemed to be the catalyst of the third one, and as for the first one? Nobody could quite explain that.

(This is gonna be cracky. You know that, right?)

Currently Daniel lay down luxuriously on his four-poster bed, Alexander reclining at his side, reading an unnamed work of literature.

Daniel's tail flicked in time with the rhythm of the Pendulum he currently listened to. 'The Vulture.'

How content, how purely happy he was. Life was good, the Englishman thought, stretching his spine, sprawling himself out rather lewdly.

(I like where this is going)

"HEY BITCHES," Alois yelled casually, storming into the room. Daniel didn't hear him due to the volume of the music he listened to, however, Alexander looked up from his novel, rather irritable.

"What is it, Mr. Racine?" he asked, noting the maniacal expression on the Frenchman's face.

"WELL I WAS JUST BEING EMO AND THEN REALIZED THAT IT'S BEEN LIKE FIVE YEARS SINCE I FUCKED ANYTHING"

Alexander raised a silver eyebrow, and then gestured to his right. "You can take this Daniel, he doesn't care what happens to his shit,"

"COOL," Alois noted, leaping approximately six feet across the room onto the bed, joining the other two. He grabbed Daniel's tail, causing him to start and yank out his headphones.

"What are you doing - ?" Daniel asked, rather flustered and startled due to the circumstances.

"I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU," Alois said, in the manner of the guy that yells at cats. Alexander grinned widely, setting his book on the nightstand.

"LET'S TURN THIS RAPE INTO A THREESOME," he said, pressing capslock on the keyboard of his mind. Sam A. Mowry meanwhile wondered how high he was when he accepted that five-hundred penny roll to do this.

"Wait! Where is the power button?" Daniel asked, frantically searching for a way to conserve the battery on his portable music player so that he could listen to Skrillex as he fell asleep later.

"THERE IS NO POWER BUTTON ON MY RAGING HORMONES," Alois stated, flinging the six-years collection of electronic dance music out of the window.

"YOU ASSHOLE," Daniel yelled furiously. "THAT WAS MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSION"

"OH REALLY" Alexander broke in. "I THOUGHT YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION WAS YOUR… NOSE"

The centuries-old man then proceeded to tug at Daniel's nose, then pulling his hand away, pretending his thumb was - well, you get the idea.

"YOU BASTARD," The amnesiac hissed, desperately trying to grab the Baron's hand. "GIVE THAT THE FUCK BACK"

"GOT YOUR NOSE, I'VE GOT IT" the old man taunted. "NO YOU FUCKASS, I NEED THAT" Daniel replied, eyes watering in frustration.

Meanwhile, Alois searched for some oil. Unable to find it, he pulled out his handy razor, slicing down his palm and then whetting his fingers in the blood. "EXCELLENT" he breathed heavily. "PREPARE YOUR ANUS"

"WAIT GUYS WAIT" Mr. Face interrupted, charging into the room and smashing down the door in the process. "Uh, not to intrude, but… uh… well… you see… this… uh…"

"Spit it out," Alexander demanded.

Mr. Face proceeded to vomit up a small amount of bile, blood, rotten apples, and the severed head of the greatest magician of the sixteenth century, Heinrich Cornelius Agrippa.

"NO!" Daniel yelled. "YOU SICK FAGGOT, HE WAS MY ONLY FRIEND"

Mr. Face derped to the floor in shame. "I'm sorry," he whimpered. "I - I just… he wouldn't shut up!"

Daniel dove to the floor in an act of desperation, licking at the vomit, trying to become one with it, forgetting about the bloody fingers probing at his anal cavity or his stolen nose.

"NO NO NO NO NO" he yelled dramatically as Mr. Face shuffled away wordlessly.

However, Dr. Tall quickly stepped out of the TARDIS in the corner of the room. "Time paradox!" he announced in his snappy English accent. Everyone stared at him annoyedly.

"What is it _now,_ Vaginaface?" Alexander questioned, voice clouded with rapelust. "How long have you been listening to dubstep, Daniel?" Mr. - er, _Dr._ Tall interrogated. "Six years," Daniel recited without giving it any thought.

"Ah yes, six years," Dr. Tall repeated, as though relaying information to a jury. "But, isn't it true that dubstep was only invented one year ago?"

Daniel froze in licking the bile from Agrippa's head. His pupils dilated, his brain fizzled into a fine powder and poured out of his ears. With no other choice, the archaeologist pulled a straw from his breast (I had the word 'pocket' here, but one we will identify as 'Harold' scribbled it out) and began to snort the stuffs, sighing in the fashion of a twelve year-old asthmatic chihuahua.

"Fuck you, Dr.," Daniel hissed, wiping the excess powder from beneath his nose. "I didn't need that time paradox just now! We're in the middle of a crisis!"

"Just doing my job," the Doctor Tall said, running a blade-hand through his luxurious curly hair. "Now I'm off to deflower some weeping angels."

With that, Dr. Tall stepped back into the TARDIS, and within seconds, teleported across the room. "SHIT," he growled. "It's broke again. Go get Johann, he's my tech guy."

"I thought Basile -" Alois started.

"NO. GET JOHANN. HE'S MORE ATTRACTIVE."

TED: 100 times yes

ECOLI : The Doctor sat pouting in the corner as Johann was retrieved, per request.

"All right, watch'all NOUNS need me for?" Johann yelled huskily, skipping into the room faster than a flaming horseradish.

"Fix my TARDIS, bitch," Dr. Tall said cockily, adjusting his steel suspenders.

"All right, but only in exchange for your SONIC SCREWDRIVER," Mr. Weyer proposed.

"_What?_" the Brute doctor said incredulously. "But I need that thing! I - I mean, for… uhm. URETHRAL USE"

"That's nasty. Nevermind," Johann shook his head. "I'll take your fez instead."

"DEAL" Dr. Tall accepted quickly, pulling the hat from atop his deformed head, however, his blade arms tore it to shreds within seconds.

"OH FUCK" he exclaimed. "SHIT"

Johann blinked. "Okay… well, how about you give me that DANIEL over there, then?"

Daniel's ears lowered. "Goddammit," he mewed softly. "Everytime…"

"DEAL!" The doctor cheered, doing a victory dance whilst skipping around his broken TARDIS. "BRUTE IS FUHRER, BRUTE IS FUHRER!"

With a snap of his fingers, a click of his tongue, and a wink of his eye, Johann repaired everything in the room that was broken, including Daniel's hip and…

Agrippa's head.

"Oh… goodness, that was surreal," the magician noted, stretching his toes. "Why do I smell like cocoa pebbles and burnt-on goat cheese?"

"Haha! I'll see you sluts in the twelfth dimension!" the doctor taunted, leaping into the blue police box.

He was never seen again.

"Well… er, what just occurred?" Heinrich asked, confused.

"You know better than I do," Alexander said, beginning to turn his attention back towards what he was doing.

"Wait, Alois what the hell."

The young tennis player was digging in the minifridge, pulling out vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, and bananas.

"HAVEN'T YOU EVER WATCHED PORN IN YOUR LIFE," he yelled, suspiciously angry. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET ON A SUGAR HIGH AND COMMIT SUICIDE"

The look in the Frenchman's eyes could only be compared to that of a rabid furry clown with three testicles breaking the fourth wall.

(This story is becoming more and more nonsensical)

"SHIT MAN, I LOVE BANANA SPLITS," Daniel cried, forgetting about all of his worries and STDs. "PUT SOME STRAWBERRIES IN MINE."

"HELL YEAH"

"Excuse me," remarked a voice from outside the window. "May I join in your frivolous and carnal orgy?"

"SHIT MAN" Alois suddenly yelled in response. "IT'S JUSTINE. I FUCKIN' LOVE THAT BITCH"

"Of course you can!" Johann replied, and a woman in a flowing green dress climbed into the castle.

Ecoli writes to Ted -

ECOLI: HEY DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SAY ICE CREAM IN FRENCH MUCHAS GRACIAS

TED: la Glase.

ECOLI: NICE

return to 'story'

ECOLI: "Most excellent," she remarked. "May I also request (Ted: ) la glase s'il vous plait?"

ECOLI: "OUI" Alois stated, as that was the only French word he knew, despite French being his first language.

TED: "NON!" said a random person who Jumped out from behind a bush with a knife and tried to kill them all.

ECOLI: His name was Malo de Vigny, and he held a knife in one hand, a violin in the other. However, he quickly realized that he was on the ground floor of the castle with the bush, and everyone else was on the sixth floor…

EXCEPT FOR MR. FACE

TED: Dunh Dunh Duh! then he (Mr face) killed them all.

ECOLI: "OH SHIT" were Alexander's last words as he was somehow brutally slaughtered from two miles away. However… there was still hope! "Time paradox!" announced Dr. Tall.

TED: Yes!

ECOLI: "I can still save them all! They can all be saved… there is always… a way!"

"W - wait!" Daniel cried with his dying breath, choking on blood and semen. "I thought you would never be seen again!"

"What part of 'time paradox' don't you understand?"

TED: But Then they all suddenly died and the world broke into a million peaces and the only human being left in the universe was Dr. tall so he killed him self by lighting him self on fire. The End.

ECOLI: BUT HE WAS QUICKLY MADE INTO ANOTHER INCARNATION BECAUSE HE'S A TIME LORD

"Okay… well, I'll just go back in time and stop Malo from fucking everything up! If he never jumps out of that bush, none of this will ever happen!"

- See? You can't kill him, he's the Doctor!

TED: Well of course I cant kill him. but I can try.

ECOLI: And everything was lovely once again. Daniel got his techno back.

TED: NOOOOO!

ECOLI: And everyone enjoyed banana splits and wine. And Michael Rosen told some beautiful stories.

"Well, hey guys, I just noticed Homestuck was invented," Daniel noted. "Wanna go read it?"

"Don't be a faggot, Daniel," Dr. Tall laughed. "Let's go on this new '4chan' instead."

TED: And they did and they loved it and they all livd happily ever after. THE END

ECOLI: 3 coming soon… PART 2 OH SHIT WORLD WAR 1

TED: - Yes, start it NOW

* * *

-so I did in the next chapter. Why are you still reading this?


	2. Chapter 2: Michael Rosen's Mission

ECOLI: It was 19 whatever. The newborn internet had already been plagued with furries, trolls,

TED: and Zoë and Scott Walker 4ever 3.

ECOLI: It was a tragic, tragic generation. Daniel had been drawn into MS Paint Adventures, overused memes, and 9gag.

Alexander worried deeply for his cat.

And Kony was rising, the great power.

WWI began.

TED: And it was terriblely Awsome! and Zoë and Cassandra were there!

ECOLI: "IT IS TIME TO DO SOME CRAZY SHIT," Alois announced, washing his hands free of excess bodily fluids. "I THINK I'M GOING TO BE DRAFTED SOON, FOR THE ARMY OF PRINCESS CELESTIA"

"Make love, not war!" Daniel said happily, starting up a bath and holding up an image of a LOLCAT.

"Hm…" Alois pondered that thought, and quickly decided that he disagreed with it, as he wanted to both go to war _and_ have sexual intercourse!

"Shut up, Daniel you newfag. I been lurkin' for sixteen years now. I was there when Moot took over. I was there when the first caption was placed on an image. I -"

TED: "NO!" _ said randomly runing into the room. He/she/it ran over and started hitting and pokeing everyone in the room. "That is all." they said calming down now.

ECOLI: (Puts 'Basile' in the blank, circles 'he', crosses out 'they', replaces with 'he'

"S - so abusive, Basile!" Daniel said, voice now clouded with arousal due to his masochistic tendencies.

"You asshole!" Alois yelled. "Only I'm allowed to hurt me!"

"That's because you're emo," Basile stated, turning around and walking away.

He was never seen again.

Not even through a time paradox.

Rumor has it that he went out to kill Osama bin Laden on an epic rogue mission, and ended up becoming a blind cave rat.

"ALL RIGHT" Alois decided. "NOW WHERE MY BITCHES AT"

TED: (Wait what? Who?)

ECOLI: What do you mean? Alois wonders where his bitches are at. What do you _mean?_ What don't you understand?

TED: nvm. It dosnt matter. Keep wrtting.

ECOLI: "Yes, Alois?" Justine replied, waltzing into the room clad in Daniel's silk kimono.

"BITCH, GIVE ME THAT BACK, IT'S MY FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING" Daniel growled.

"I thought that your favorite article of clothing was… YOUR NIPPLE CLAMPS?" Alexander asked dramatically, throwing the heavy metal objects at the wall, cracking the bathroom tiles.

"… okay." Daniel admitted.

TED: And so then they all got into a massive argument and started attacking each other and everyone ends up as big bloody messes.

ECOLI: "DAMN THAT WAS SEXUALLY GRATIFYING," Alois yelled, beginning to sew up the gash on his arm from Justine's dangerously long fingernails.

"Wait… why were we fighting?" Daniel asked, spitting out a chunk of his own hair.

"Honestly, I'm not sure," Alexander said, brushing off his crimson overcoat.

Justine replaced her glass eye. "Hm… dammit, now I have to redo my hair!" She quickly ran off.

TED: "Well I thought is was funny!" _ said between giggles.

ECOLI: (inserts 'Mr. Face' into the blank) "You sick BASTARD," Daniel screamed, his anger quickly rising once again. He still hated Mr. Face for killing Cornelius before.

"We have to go to Uganda!" Alois announced. "It's our only option!"

"But I don't _want_ to fight in the war!" Daniel cried, removing one headphone from his ear to engage in the conversation.

"THAT'S TOO BAD," Alexander said in his incredibly sexy Sam A. Mowry voice. "EVERYONE ELSE DOES, SO YOU'LL JUST NEED TO SUCK IT UP AND STOP BEING A PUSSY"

Daniel's ears lowered. "But - I'm part cat. I'll always be a pussy."

The Baron face palmed so hard that he tore his own face off of his face and it splattered on the wall opposite.

"Okay then. Well, let's go. Rainbow Dash?"

The rainbow-maned pegasi crashed through the wall just as her name was called.

"Yeah?" she asked. "Sorry, I was just eating Justine's fantastic candyvag. But… you guys wanna go to Uganda, don't you?"

"Yeah," Alois replied, straightening his ponytail. "Let's do this shit."

"But… Kony's been gone for ten years. This whole war is just a retarded conspiracy. You know that, right?"

"Well, of _course_ we know that!" Alexander insisted. "But we really want to see some action. You know, blood, gore, explosions…"

"I don't!" Daniel insisted, running to kneel at Rainbow Dash's side. "Please! Take me to Equestria! I want to be a lesbian too!"

"Uh…" Dashie stuttered, backing away. "If you want me to make you pony, there are a few things you'll have to agree to first… but, I really can't do that. Only Princess Celestia has those kinds of abilities."

"Damn, look at this _faggot," _Alois whispered to Alexander, gesturing at Daniel begging to be made into a sparkly-eyed horse.

"They gave those 'bronies' their own board now, you know. It's pathetic how low they can sink," Alexander replied. "Disgusting."

"Please! I have my own character and everything!" Daniel cried, pulling out a drawing of a tan earth pony whose cutie mark was a lantern.

"Hm… you seem like you'd be willing to suck a considerable amount of cock for me to take you to Ponyville," Rainbow Dash noted. "Perhaps I could work out some sort of -"

"STOP - RIGHT - THERE." interrupted Michael Rosen, who had been sitting in the corner quietly eating plums for 83 years. "I don't - think - that's a very good idea."

Everybody turned in Michael's direction. They had thought he was dead, actually.

"That's - be-s-ti-al-it-y," he said, that word having been poorly sentence-mixed. "If you like p-o-n-ies, you are a Pennsylvania Masturbator."

"Where's Pennsylvania?" Daniel questioned. "Is it anything like Transylvania?"

"NO." Michael replied. "It's much wors-e."

"Ooh, ooh! Do the Michael Rosen Rap!" Dashie requested.

"You may think I'm happy, you may think I'm sad, you may think I'm crazy, you may think I'm mad -" he began.

But he never finished.

"KAPOOM," shouted someone from behind the beloved poet laureate. And Michael Rosen fell over dead, his head bursting.

"That's not the real Michael Rosen!" shouted a man wielding a cop killer. "I am!"

And… so it appeared to be!

"You have to come with me," said Michael as the Futurama theme song began to play. "The future is in danger!"

None of this Michael's words sounded sentence mixed.

"To the TARDIS?" Dr. Tall asked hopefully.

"I'm pretty sure that we already have enough time paradoxes as it is," Michael said. "I just killed my future self - it's complicated. I've seen that I become a Youtube-pooped monstrosity. Things have to change."

* * *

- And… this is where things end. If you want, I'll continue this, but I won't be surprised If you _don't _want me to. However, if you do, I'll need some ideas, because, well… I have none. So… that's it, I guess.


End file.
